October 25, 2009
Phew!! Since the last time I wrote a journal entry my life has been kind of crazy. So here I am on a Sunday night, still sweaty from yoga, giving you all an update on this past month. A brief synopsis before I dive into the details: I finished a disappointing fourth at my JGP in Germany but fortunately qualified for the JGP Final in Tokyo!
After winning the silver medal in Budapest it was time to get new skates. The old ones were falling apart and I was in dire need to have strong boots leading into Germany. With new boots came new blades and the great fortune of not being able to land any good jumps for a while. I trained hard, but didn’t get back to skating consistent programs until the week before I left for Dresden. This unsettled me a little, but I know that you don’t need to be perfect until the actually competition. So Lindsay and I boarded the plane to Germany feeling confident, but definitely far from unbeatable.
Of course I couldn’t sleep on the plane to Frankfurt, but I did get in some good movie watching. Off the top of my head I can remember watching Angels and Demons, Ice Age 3, and something else, though it escapes me right now. After landing in Frankfurt we took a short 45 minute flight to Dresden. The weather was dreary, gray and drizzling. Not quite the spectacular weather of Budapest by any means. Still, I was back in Europe for the second time in about a month and darn excited about it! We took the bus to the hotel, a large, newish hotel across the street from a massive mall and plaza. My hotel room was veeery small!!! Very small! I roomed with Nick Anderson, the pair skater, who was really nice and we got along quite well.
Lindsay and I got in early on Tuesday so we took the rest of the day to explore Dresden before the team dinner. What was cool about the city was that even though everything was completely new (we firebombed the city during WWII – don’t blame me Germans I wasn’t alive yet!) it still retained that old world charm. Instead of building new, modern buildings, they rebuilt the old buildings, including two massive churches and palaces. We took a lot of time exploring and did some wandering around museums (sorry we took you to the wrong one Ellie!!). Eventually, we went to the museum with the Dresden Green Diamond which I was really excited to see. Unfortunately, either it wasn’t on display at the time or I totally missed it. Bummer!!!
The skating part of my trip was very much like a roller coaster. My first practice, and only one in the big rink, was up and down. I skated well outside the program, but a horrible program. Okay, no big deal. I always have on bad practice at competition so I wasn’t worried. I thought it was good that I was getting it out of the way early. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the only bad practice, far from it. I skated a good short program later that day in practice, landing the triple lutz-triple toe. However, in reverse from my earlier practice, I was a mess outside the program. Hoping that talking to my mom would ease some of my distress, I went back to the hotel, pulled up Skype on the laptop and tried calling. It didn’t work. Over the course of the week, I was only able to talk to my mom for a matter of 15 minutes, thanks to the help of Angela Maxwell’s coach Craig, and Stefanie our team leader allowing me to use their phones. Thanks guys!!!
Practice was okay Thursday morning and put me in good spirits for the short program later that day. I had a pretty good warm-up and skated I think fifth in my warm-up. Enough time to settle down and focus. I reminded myself that I was prepared, regardless of how practices had been going. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I wasn’t ready.
As “Sleeping Beauty” began, I took a deep breath and transformed into Prince Charming. Opening combination, triple lutz-double toe. Ugh! I did not want to give away points especially in such a deep field. But I knew that I had enough content left in the program that if I skated with heart I would still be in the final warm-up for long. Double Axel followed by Camel-Camel. Lindsay and I, along with my ballet teacher Maria who is responsible for the strong spins I am proud to have, always joke that the Camel-Camel is my “point getter”. It used to be the absolutely WORST spin ever. However, at every competition this year I received a level 4 with positive GOE’s. Not too shabby! Sorry, back to the competition. Triple flip, solid, followed by footwork, flying sit, footwork, and combo spin. Alright, not great, but clean nonetheless. As I skated over to Lindsay, I was feeling a bit disappointed in myself, having doubled the second part of the combination. When the scored came up, showing me in second place I was surprised. I knew people below me had skated better than I had, but my high levels and solid component score (Thanks Jodie!) held me in second after everyone finished.
The next day passed as if I was in a tornado with reality blurring around me at a violent speed. My practice Thursday night was an absolute catastrophe. Without a doubt the worst I had skated in a couple of years. Was I feeling intimidated? No. I was feeling inferior. My practice was going horribly and I couldn’t refocus on myself. Even though I was in second, I felt like I was the last placed skater in my warm-up that didn’t quite fit in with the big boys. After, Lindsay and I had a really, really long chat. I had a lot of emotions and she encouraged me to let them all out. I cried, boy did I cry. Now I’m not usually one to admit things like this, but it is necessary to get a real hold of my mind set at this point. I was afraid. Afraid of failing, of letting everyone down at home and at headquarters. I was afraid of letting Lindsay down, but most importantly, I was afraid to be human. I wanted to be perfect, the Michelle Kwan type. I tried to let it all out and promised tomorrow to skate with a renewed joy, with my heart.
And I did. Though slightly tentatively, I skated with my heart. Triple lutz-double toe, double Axel, triple flip-double toe, triple loop, all solid. A popped triple Sal threw me a little off, but with the entire American team watching and cheering me on I was not going to let it stop me. I was going to give a Kiri Baga, all or nothing approach the rest of the way. Triple lutz-double Axel and another double Axel. One jump left and it was a biggy. Triple flip… slightly two footed. I felt tremendous relief as I entered my last combination spin. I gave it my heart. I pushed and pushed in that program. The American kids cheered and I felt alright. When my results came up, however, my heart sank. 109?? What was that garbage? I must not have gotten either a level or something downgraded, but I couldn’t think what. I knew it wouldn’t be enough. After Ricky skated I stay in first. I knew I needed to be ahead of him, but with that program I didn’t think I would, especially since he skated well. I got my hopes up and was crushed. Fourth. Not good and I knew it. Probably not enough to get to the Final. Later I found out that my last triple flip was downgraded, though neither I nor anyone else thought it was. I guess that’s the risk you take for putting a hard jump in the last 25 seconds and not jumping quite high enough that one time. I was devastated.
To finish the trip on a good note Lindsay and I went to Prague. We planned on going beforehand so it was a good thing I didn’t get on the plane right after my disappointing finish. We took the train and had a blast!! The flight home was long and I watched the video of my program a million times it felt like. Studying and analyzing every little detail, especially the last flip.
On returning home I got the “Good try” hug from my mom. It’s nice, but I would have preferred the “Oh my God! Congratulations!” hug instead. I hate the “Good try” hug! But she told me how proud she was of me, regardless of my finish, and that fourth was more than most people will ever experience. I took a week off and held my breath for the next two events, hoping Rick and my plans of having to do Sectionals would not come true. I started training the senior long just in case. I tried not getting my hopes up, for fear that I would be crushed when I didn’t make it. I said a lot of prayers those two weeks. I have a strong faith in God and knew that He makes everything happen for a reason.
I didn’t check to see the short program results for Turkey. I didn’t want to know. I told everyone around me not to inform me. My secret source who will not be named (you know who you are) would let me know Saturday. I didn’t want to know until then. When I received the text and it said I made the Final, I was in total shock. I didn’t believe it at all. We waited and waited for the official results which seemed like forever, though actually was like three minutes. My sister and I were driving to the rink for one last practice before she competed at Regionals and I think both of us had heart attacks nearly! I called everyone I knew and it was such a great feeling!! Lindsay and I are ecstatic to go to Tokyo!!!
I’m training very hard right now. I’m pushing myself harder than I was before Budapest, probably harder than I ever have. I definitely want to do the triple axel at the Final. Hey, I have nothing to lose coming in as the 8th place guy, right?! I can’t wait to get there and show the world, the entire world, finally what I’m made of!!!
Watch out Tokyo!!!!!!!!
Grant
